Dear Japan

Dear Japan, 

Thank you so much for the warm welcome, it has been a pleasure to be in your midst, or should that be mists, as the misty, hazy, non-stop, Welsh-type rain you have provided for me since my arrival has really made me feel had home. Just a note on that, it is nice to feel at home but now I’ve been here for a week, I think I could probably do without the rain for just one day. But I digress, thank you for tolerating this lost foreigner who knows nothing of your rules and thus flaunts them with alarming regularity, thank you for being patient whilst I try to order god knows what from your lovely English menus and thank you for providing the best loos in the world. 

However, I am writing to you with a few complaints that I am hoping you can address with haste; as I am only here for three months and would like to enjoy my time as much as possible. 

Firstly, please can you make Karaoke as easy as it looks? I thought after years of practice bashing out Sinatra and Joel tunes whilst taking baths and showers, having the words and a microphone in front of me would be an easy transition and that I would be a natural. But no, for some reason the booth made me sound like a howling cat on heat. It’s meant to be a private box but the people next door came and told me to pipe down; that’s never happened at home in the bath. 

Secondly, can you please stop making life so easy? For example, frequent trains arriving and leaving on time, convenience stores everywhere and open all hours, working vending machines on every corner, sensible rules that people respect, a plethora of toilets, clear signage at tourist attractions, easy to book tickets for events and efficient and friendly bureaucracy, have all meant that my transition and settling in period have all gone remarkably smoothly and I’ve not flown off my short handle even once. Where is the fun in that? 

Finally, can you cut back on the food please. Everywhere I look there is delicious bowls of ramen, plates of gyoza, slates of sushi, yards of yakitori and countless other things that they don’t have in Wagamamas back home and that I very much want to try. Even the convenience stores have onigiri, pickles, and corn dogs that make your mouth water. It is a veritable nightmare making a choice between the myriad of delicacies on show. I only have three months here, I can’t try it all.  What’s more, I’ve not seen one Wagamamas,  Itsu or Yo Sushi, almost like they are not real Japanese places. Please can you see to it that there are just three dishes to choose from in every restaurant for the foreseeable future, so I can enjoy my life without the tyranny of choice? 

Once again thank you for being such a welcoming and polite host and I trust you will deal with these minor problems in good time.

Yours. 

Gareth